This killed me, for obvious reasons.
There are actually many people that take anything the Onion says seriously.
Hold on, wait a second, roll it back, baby, THERE ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE THAT TAKE ANYTHING THE ONION SAYS SERIOUSLY.
How can anything read literally anything The Onion has ever published and decide maybe they’re a serious organization.
Here is the thing people took seriously:
So the parts where it’s obviously non-serious are literally 100% of it. There’s the part where it’s about a kid, there’s the part where a news organization dictated that it was afraid to say something, there’s the part where it’s The Onion, the one where an extremely touchy word (in the USA at least) is used.
What the God damn fuck, everybody.
#HowToLoseFollowers #BeLogical #RealizeThatNotEverythingIsLiteral #ThisIsHowTumblrTagsThingsRight
Here are nearly all of the things on their front page today, it is no different from any other except they are talking about the Oscars cause it was yesterday.
ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
According to his wife, Christine—one of the few people who was aware of his courageous struggle—Seaborne chose to fight the muscular, quarter-ton primate in private night after night in hopes of maintaining as normal a life as was possible for his family.
“In some ways, I’m relieved that it’s finally over and David can be at peace,” said a tearful Mrs. Seaborne, clutching at a recent photograph of her husband, most of his hair missing after being ripped from his scalp by the rampaging jungle beast. “To watch him seclude himself in that basement every night and know that he was about to be in an unimaginable amount of pain—it just became too much to bear.”
“He fought that terrible gorilla with every last ounce of strength he had, but in the end, David’s body just couldn’t handle it anymore,” Mrs. Seaborne added. “Every morning, he’d look at me with tired eyes and deep scratches across his face, and he’d say, ‘Honey, I’m going to beat this thing.’ God, he was brave.”
Mrs. Seaborne said she’s used most of her husband’s life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation’s website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.
Although Seaborne never let on to friends or coworkers that he was desperately fighting for his life with a violent primate, many suspected that something was wrong.
“I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off,” fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said. “He also left work early a lot for doctor’s appointments, or when he was just too weak to make it through the day. Still, with all he was going through, David never complained.”
The few people who knew of his hardship said that, even toward the end of his ordeal, when Seaborne was often completely covered in feces, the gorilla never managed to rob him of his dignity.
Dr. Earl Patterson, the physician who treated Seaborne throughout his life-or-death battle, initially gave Seaborne just six months to live. Though the prognosis was grim, Patterson said that, with the help of powerful tranquilizers, Seaborne was able to beat back the gorilla several times, and his situation started to look more promising.
The gorilla, however, eventually stopped responding to the drugs and returned with a vengeance.
“If we had caught this thing earlier, before its growth got completely out of control, David would have had a much better chance of survival,” Patterson said. “But after it reached the silverback stage, it was only a matter of time.”
“I tried to make David as comfortable as possible, and even gave him a helmet, but at that point the most we could do was pray,” Patterson added.
Patterson said that he has strongly urged Seaborne’s wife to take preventative measures to protect the couple’s three sons, aged 9, 12, and 15, from suffering the same fate as their father.
“Because these things tend to run in the family, Jonathan, Patrick, and David Jr. are in a very high risk group,” Patterson said. “Realistically, though, there just isn’t a whole lot that can be done. After all, that gorilla is still in their basement.”
KABUL—2012 proved to be just another in a succession of landmark years for the Taliban, as the influential Islamic fundamentalist organization continued its awe-inspiring push toward unprecedented expansion.
Even following a decade marked with some difficulties, the devoted members of the Afghani cultural and political movement have proven consistently successful in their trailblazing efforts to continue the Taliban’s constant recruiting of talented and diverse young insurgents and building its thriving base of support from politicians and citizens alike to over 30 times that of a decade ago.
“It was our goal in the beginning of 2012 to make sure we never stayed too complacent and continued working to spread our message internationally,” said Taliban leader Mohammed Omar, who has worked tirelessly to ensure that the movement would not just attain the same level of progress from years past, but also move far beyond it. “We want our program to have its message heard in local communities in countries across the world. Whether it’s Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, or Iran, our group firmly believes there are future Taliban leaders everywhere.”
“Still, we never forget our roots as a local political organization,” Omar continued. “That core mission has always been essential to us.”
Strongly dedicated to the group’s 34-year commitment to the strict interpretation of Sharia law, Omar and other Taliban leaders have been unrelenting in their push to embrace technology and multimedia trends, a shift that has helped the Taliban quickly become the fastest-growing Islamic fundamentalist organization in the world.
Additionally, the movement also remains a proud sponsor of a variety of international social and humanitarian initiatives related to poverty, illiteracy, and animal abuse.
“Taliban leaders have long been in our village and I do not believe their influence will ever sway,” said resident Qari Shahzada, one of the millions of Afghani citizens who have been inspired by the growing social and cultural renaissance spurred by the political movement. “As far as my family and I know, the Taliban leaders could very likely be maintaining control of our homes until the day we die.”
In the wake of the Taliban’s recent unparalleled years of expansion, including new local bases in Ghazi, Sheberghan, Farah, and Taloqan, international business leaders say they can only speculate on what is sure to be “yet another groundbreaking decade for the movement.”
“When any sort of group maintains the level of diligence and perseverance that the Taliban has in the past decade, it is only too certain they will flourish,” said American publishing magnate T. Herman Zweibel. “Within the next year, I suspect the world will come to regard the Taliban as among the world’s foremost political movements. It is only inevitable.”
“They’ve also proven their worth as a more than willing business partner,” Zweibel added.
For more information on the Taliban, visit the movement’s website at www.taliban.com or contact publicist Rachel Eberstein at firstname.lastname@example.org
The Onion’s response to a sponsored Scientology story in The Atlantic.
SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed.
“After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.”
“Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly,” Keller added. “And you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.”
Reports confirmed that gorilla sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-year-old gorilla who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store.
The latest attack marked the fifth of its kind in the United States within the last six months and has reignited the explosive national debate over gorilla control, with thousands of outraged Americans reportedly demanding that their government representatives act immediately in order to prevent further bloodshed.
“We’ve had to deal with too many gorilla-related tragedies, and we’ve had to bury too many innocent, feces-covered victims,” said Nicole Simmons, president of the Mothers Against Gorillas coalition, who herself lost her 16-year-old son in the infamous Baker High School gorilla rampage of 1997. “It’s time to put an end to this. We need to get gorillas off the streets once and for all. Enough is enough.”
“The answer to this systemic problem is not more gorillas,” Simmons continued, her eyes welling with tears. “The answer is fewer gorillas.”
As evidence, Simmons pointed to a 2011 University of Maryland study, which found that 98 percent of Americans who own a gorilla have never used them for defense against a home invasion. Simmons also cited widely reported studies confirming that people who keep gorillas in the home are 12 times more likely to have their arms torn off, and children in those households are 19 times more likely to be picked up by the legs and bashed repeatedly into the ground.
Furthermore, many gorilla control advocates have reportedly called for statewide limits to the number of gorillas one can purchase and a federal ban on the ownership of silverbacks, referencing as an example the tight gorilla laws in countries such as Japan, England, and Australia, where the annual rate of gorilla crimes is virtually nonexistent.
“There is absolutely no reason—not for hunting, protection, or otherwise—that an ordinary citizen would need to possess a 600-pound silverback,” said Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), one of the most outspoken gorilla control advocates in Congress. “The general public frankly has no business owning apes of this size, and the only people who do are zookeepers who are trained to properly handle them. Otherwise, they are nothing but a threat to society and only serve to perpetuate more violence.”
Opponents to gorilla control legislation, however, appear to be fervent in their defense of their gorilla possession rights. A spokesperson for the powerful yet controversial national gorilla lobby told reporters that a ban on gorillas would not end incidents such as that in San Diego, as those who want the large primates could simply buy them from illegal dealers who smuggle them into the country from the jungles of sub-Saharan Africa.
Many gorilla owners also told sources that the creatures are primarily used for legal hunting purposes and that the overwhelming majority of gorilla enthusiasts are completely responsible with their apes.
“Listen, it’s my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a gorilla to protect myself and my family,” said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different gorillas of various sizes, but keeps them “safely locked away in [his] home.” “And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my gorillas.”
“What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesn’t mean all gorillas are bad,” Harrington added. “In fact, if every person at that mall had a gorilla, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place.”
At press time, following the increase in national gorilla sales, four isolated gorilla attacks had just been reported across the country, with the overall civilian death toll currently estimated at 37.
Shout out to The Onion for reminding us that there are more important things to be worried about than what celebrities are wearing.
Seen on The Onion, actually.